what

this is incredibly long, and doesn’t serve much purpose than chronicle things with a specific girl, so to speak. so skip it, cause god damn it’s a lot

once upon a time, i started talking to a girl online. she was funny, sarcastic, and basically seemed like my comedic foil. after a bit more talking, i grew to really like this girl. that grew into love, of course. she confessed the same, and from that point on we pretty much fell madly in love.

there was a problem though. she had already set her eyes on a boy from canada (she lived in alabama). he was of course much better looking than me, and his dopey naivety was incredibly charming to her. just when we’d started really talking though, she had told this boy she loved him, and he recoiled. that gave me the opening to grow closer to her.

a few months of blissful ignorance and endless flirting and constructing plans later, this boy comes back to tell her that he loves her back. this screws everything up, especially her. she’s now utterly conflicted, between me and this kid she calls a norse god.

all throughout this, we talked. we talked about us, we talked about him, we talked about it all. and though i would’ve thought initially this would only serve to make me depressed, it actually helped a great deal. that kind of utter transparency with someone i loved was something i never had before, and the connection we shared almost made the conversations trivial. i was still hopeful.

i visited later, things were wonderful. she was everything i hoped and knew she’d be: beautiful, funny, smart.. i was smitten in a way i’d never been before. i knew then i could spend the rest of my life with this girl and never be bored, and never feel like i could devote more of myself to her.

the conflict continued between the choice between me and this canadian guy, up until a convention we were all going to attend. like a retard falling on my own sword, i offered to pick this guy up at the airport instead of bolting for the con, seeing her first and getting a bit of a headstart. once she saw him, things just rolled downhill. that whole weekend is complicated, but the end result is she ended up with him, and i ended up with a restarted addiction to cigarettes.

almost immediately after though, this girl and i continued to talk. i didn’t hold much back in terms of how shitty i was feeling or what i was thinking, and she took it all in stride, listening and comforting me just as she had before. because of that, i never really moved on. that and the fact that she’d come by every 6 months.

all until she started planning to move up with him. i knew this was coming, but when the reality set in that we’d no longer be able to talk every night, i broke down quite hard. that’s when i began talking more seriously to another long time friend and my most recent ex-girlfriend. we began going out a few months before this first girl moved away, where i never really heard from her often, but i was happy with my own relationship.

of course when that ended and she heard about it, we’ve been going back to talking nearly every night, and the flirting came back just like old times, almost immediately. this isn’t helped by the fact that she’s utterly sick of her current boyfriend because of his job status and his lack of compromise, where she left her entire life behind in the US.

her unhappiness with her current situation, and the news that she’d be moving back home in january, certainly helped with my own feeling down. she keeps saying if he doesn’t shape up, she’s going to dump him. now all my hope of fixing my recent failed relationship is shifting towards rekindling and possibly getting a real shot with this girl that i, admittedly, have a much stronger connection with.

deep down, i know that her boyfriend will probably shape up once she’s gone, because he’s always had that kind of luck with her that just when she’s losing faith.. he comes back with a vengeance as if he’s reading her mind. i know that the chances of me actually getting a shot with this girl are next to none, and yet i still daydream about it. i know i’m probably crazy, and i know that it’s just as crazy to expect or even want to get back with my last ex, but there’s so few people these days that i feel any sort of connection with that i can’t just let them go.

tl;dr: i’m an idiot and seem to only try to date people online, which never fails to lead to fuck ups and leaves me worse off than before